walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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