there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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