Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
