then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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