Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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