dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
