I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
