allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
