i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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