i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
