just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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