She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
