If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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