the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
