I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
