I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
