If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
