I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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