Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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