dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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