Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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