The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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