pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
