so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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