I am in a vortex of obligation.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
