ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
