____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
