I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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