Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
