if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
