a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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