I am puke
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
