Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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