I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
