So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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