We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
