i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
