All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
