her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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