Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
