I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
