My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
