my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
