I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
