Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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