She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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