You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
