My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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