Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
