Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
