When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
